November. Not even half-way through this deployment. Thanksgiving came and went without any acknowledgement on my part. He warned me that he would change “somewhat” while he was deployed, but I had no idea just how much.
We’ve been arguing almost daily. Facebook messages are terse if not outright angry on both sides. He says he “doesn’t waste energy” getting angry but he sure could fool me. He’s angry that I’m not working yet. He’s angry that 80% of his paycheck goes to me every month. He’s angry that he’s not been able to save money or achieve his savings goal for this deployment. The more he interrogates me, the more upset, angry, and hurt I get. He’s never tried to find a job in a small, tight job market. The Army is his full-time job. This area isn’t Atlanta and it sure isn’t Dallas. He doesn’t want me to drive more than an hour to work; he doesn’t want me working at Walmart. He’s not keen on me taking a waitress job. Well, he can’t be upset with me for not working and then try to tell me where I can and can’t work.
I hurt. I knew we’d eventually have an argument about something, but I honestly feel like he doesn’t trust me. He maintains he’s not comparing me to his first wife, but again, he could’ve fooled me in that regard. I have to justify almost every purchase in our joint account. I feel like a burden. He – or his “friends”, whatever they are – decided to insinuate that I was stepping out on him and he chewed me out royally on the phone on Thanksgiving Day. Gee, Happy Thanksgiving. He says he’s hurt and that nothing will be resolved any time soon. Does he have a clue how much he’s hurt me? He claims he has no idea where my anger is coming from. Really!? He’s never wrong, but I always am.
I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling like it’s just not worth getting out of bed in the morning. I’m tired of being treated like his first wife – and he’s talked about her enough that I know how little he trusts anyone with his money. I’m tired of him talking to me like I’m some slacker soldier under his command.
I’m tired of feeling like a bad decision instead of his wife.
I’m just so very tired.