Ambivalence

December. Five months gone, almost 6. I should be happy, but I’m too busy crying. Our disputes over finances have gotten worse…to the point where he no longer calls me. Facebook messages consist of messages like, “Would you care to explain this transaction now?” or reminders about how much money I cost him that he could be saving instead. I asked him if he was going to ask for a divorce and he seemed shocked. I asked him if we should go to see the Chaplains for counseling when he came home for R&R and he didn’t know how to answer. He still says he’s “deeply hurt” and “won’t resolve anything over the 2 weeks (he’s) home”.

Wonderful.

I was so excited to have R&R coming so that he would be home…He’s reduced me to tears so often that I forget what it’s like to hear him laugh, to get a compliment from him, to hear him say he loves me. I’m to the point that I feel like he should make plans to spend his vacation with his family in SC because if all we’re going to do is argue – or worse, if all he’ll do is ignore or avoid me – then he need not bother coming here.

I want my husband back. I know he’s been working hard on his promotion boards, and on his Soldier of the Quarter and related competitions. He’s assured me that I’ve already added to his stress. Gee, thanks for that, ’cause it wasn’t my intention….maybe you should thank your “friends” who suggested to you that I was cheating on you instead of remaining faithful to my marriage vows. Yeah, go thank them for putting that shit into your head ’cause I sure didn’t.

I’m exhausted.

I’m lost….nothing I do is right in his eyes.

I hate this.